7

votes

Cook boyfriend dismisses paleo and refuses to leave my food decisions alone. I have made concessions, plead, and reasoned and I am sick of fighting. How do I move forward?

Answered on September 12, 2014
Created July 22, 2012 at 3:51 AM

To be honest, he doesn't really suggest much bread but he wants to fry things in peanut oil (I am allergic to peanuts, he reasons that they have no allergens) use ridiculous amounts of cream and butter in things, eat pasta and skimps on vegetables. I have agreed to eat a non-paleo meal with him at most once a week, his choice what it is. I have explained multiple times that JUST because a food tastes good (as his usually does) is not reason enough to put it in my daily diet. We both do weightlifting and tennis and I just want to eat in peace so I can ensure I get my protein and vegetables without counting calories or eating nutritionally null food.

I am just so sick of fighting. I have reasoned, I have told him that he can eat his own food and I will eat mine, I have asked that he leaves his sauces and cheeses on HIS plate and not mine and none of it works. He feels his food is stifled by my 'crazy restrictions', that I end up liking whatever he makes that is non-Paleo anyways, and that he wants to fix my 'fucked up relationship with food'. I am not anorexic, I am not incredibly concerned about losing weight, and I am not so inflexible that I would die before eating a piece of cake. How do you deal with a partner who dismisses paleo and makes it their mission to 'fix' your eating? Are there any good cookbooks I can get so he doesn't feel like he's constantly eating chicken breasts and vegetables?

6714718e2245e5190017d643a7614157

on August 09, 2012
at 04:50 PM

Thanks Shari and TeaElf for your support. This is my swan song on PH. I done with PH. Over and out. It's been fun, but it's no longer fun now. Buh bye.

98bf2ca7f8778c79cd3f6c962011cfdc

(24286)

on July 28, 2012
at 03:48 AM

Yeah what's with the downvotes for Richard. The OP says herself she's not in an abusive relationship. Richard was trying to be helpful. Sure I'd leave this sorry sack o'crap in a heartbeat but to call this an abusive relationship just from what the OP has said about their issue with food, and knowing she says not only is it not abusive but that it's great is really kinda crazy. I know abuse is a touchy subject but don't take it out on Richard.

4ef079c57d2140bba4dbf4e30240a645

(4413)

on July 24, 2012
at 02:09 AM

I love Dan Savage! Great guy. Are you in Seattle Katie?

61f9349ad28e3c42d1cec58ba4825a7d

(10480)

on July 23, 2012
at 08:24 PM

Thank you, blueballoon. I do not feel belittled at all, as a person with perspective, and I agree that this boyfriend sounds quite abusive. Some people don't seem to think abuse can happen any way other than with a fist.

E36cb992cf0a5eba8b97a359c15f38b3

(4347)

on July 23, 2012
at 04:05 PM

trjones- Have you been abused? Have you been in a home with constant emotional abuse? Belittling, controlling behavior? Abuse is not just physical or sexual. This behavior is absolutely consistent with emotional abuse, and might actually put the OP's life at risk (with the peanut allergy). I encourage you to learn a little more about abuse before you tell those of us who are concerned about the OP to "get some perspective." I assure you--I have PLENTY of perspective.

C8b2136ef95ba6aac211825ff38cc0e9

(971)

on July 23, 2012
at 02:29 PM

Really insightful.

C2450eb7fa11b37473599caf93b461ef

(3225)

on July 23, 2012
at 01:55 PM

Indeed. My sis-in-law is allergic to sunflower and totally reacts to the oils.

6120c989fd5b69f42a0834b69b87955b

(24553)

on July 23, 2012
at 08:27 AM

The peanut oil thing is a crazy red flag if you are allergic to peanuts...his ego is either going to get you or one of his customers killed.

93eea7754e6e94b6085dbabbb48c0bb7

on July 23, 2012
at 08:08 AM

I am in the same boat...sigh...

61f9349ad28e3c42d1cec58ba4825a7d

(10480)

on July 23, 2012
at 02:58 AM

"I suggest you let him know that you are not his customer and your world is not his restaurant," that is a great line. +1

4ec0fe4b4aab327f7efa2dfb06b032ff

(5145)

on July 23, 2012
at 02:02 AM

Seriously. Calling the boyfriend an abuser? That belittles the experience of people who actually are being abused. Get some perspective.

Fb67dc30cead043d1d13ea503a3044dc

(3280)

on July 23, 2012
at 01:04 AM

You guys are displacing your anger at this dude onto richfrmtx. Spooky mob mentality happening.

E5d4889d675291f020c72e958de1f77b

(646)

on July 22, 2012
at 10:27 PM

Sorry about the the acronym- I got a little impassioned and it just came out! Dan Savage has clearly affected the way I think about relationships for the better. ;)

D7cc4049bef85d1979efbd853dc07c8e

(4029)

on July 22, 2012
at 09:49 PM

Very even tempered of you. +1

Fb67dc30cead043d1d13ea503a3044dc

(3280)

on July 22, 2012
at 08:40 PM

I agree with the critiques of rich's answer, but five down votes? A bit excessive...I think we get the message!

1edb06ded9ccf098a4517ca4a7a34ebc

(14952)

on July 22, 2012
at 06:44 PM

Agreed, DTMFA .

6714718e2245e5190017d643a7614157

on July 22, 2012
at 06:12 PM

My bad, I was thinking strictly in terms of diet here. I was not focused on their relationship.

Medium avatar

(2923)

on July 22, 2012
at 04:39 PM

@Silvestris - What you are describing is not love, it's dependency.

61f9349ad28e3c42d1cec58ba4825a7d

(10480)

on July 22, 2012
at 04:23 PM

Yep yep yep. I have been there and done that. Sometimes a person can see the issues before they can see the person. I agree with everyone here about this douche. We're not talking about stubborn spouses here, we're talking about someone who is, at best, disrespectful, and more realistically, abusive.

61844af1187e745e09bb394cbd28cf23

(11058)

on July 22, 2012
at 03:05 PM

Paleo troll: Look up Dan Savage. DTMFA isn't incomprehensible; many of us here know exactly what it means.

0a9ad4e577fe24a6b8aafa1dd7a50c79

(5150)

on July 22, 2012
at 02:07 PM

^Good point Doris :P

121a16aded2bed8dca492d3c9662ef4c

(1327)

on July 22, 2012
at 01:02 PM

Not much that could be added here. In the words of Dan Savage, DTMFA.

121a16aded2bed8dca492d3c9662ef4c

(1327)

on July 22, 2012
at 01:00 PM

Not much that could be added here. In the words of Dan Savage, DTMFA.

0e395acc856e3353f3f5892e6b09b0e7

(1227)

on July 22, 2012
at 12:53 PM

Why do you assume Silvistris is a she?

239bcbf6d0013fd74890f5c7305daf64

(664)

on July 22, 2012
at 12:29 PM

I have to second what Karen said. Rich, your post is well meaning; however, there are too many red flags here. This is not an eating problem, it is a personality problem. If he is controlling what she will eat until she changes then he will try and control other aspects of her life. This is a potentially disasterous scenario.

E36cb992cf0a5eba8b97a359c15f38b3

(4347)

on July 22, 2012
at 11:56 AM

Look- I grew up in an abusive household. Your OP seems like emotional abuse to me. (I should know. I saw it every day.) I don't care whether you unknowingly had something in peanut oil once and didn't react, making him think it's not a big deal. IT DOESN'T MATTER. (Also, did they know you were peanut-allergic and served it to you anyway? I hope not.) Stubborn and emotionally abusive are not the same thing. Anyone who doesn't take your well-being seriously & tries to control you has issues. I understand backpedaling to make him seem like a nice guy, but I'd do some soul-searching.

8e10b687e328468783a72c55b64710e8

(1453)

on July 22, 2012
at 11:54 AM

Find a real man, preferably paleo men. Paleo men are real men.

8e10b687e328468783a72c55b64710e8

(1453)

on July 22, 2012
at 11:54 AM

Oh also. Find a real man, preferably paleo men. Paleo men are real men.

F5a0ddffcf9ef5beca864050f090a790

(15515)

on July 22, 2012
at 11:48 AM

1. Dump him. 2. Resort to violence (just don't hit him in the face with your bare fist - it hurts and you can break your fingers. Use a wooden roller - it always works for me). 3. Think of a way to raise your self-esteem. Do you need to waste your time on a piece of work like him? You cannot change people no matter what.

8e10b687e328468783a72c55b64710e8

(1453)

on July 22, 2012
at 11:46 AM

How your boyfriend responds: "what's wrong with cheese? it's your crazy restrictions that are the issue", how a normal guy responds, "I don't understand what's wrong with cheese, but if you don't want any, then I'll respect that"

8e10b687e328468783a72c55b64710e8

(1453)

on July 22, 2012
at 11:45 AM

How your boyfriend responded: "you can eat peanut oil because I saw you eat it before", how a normal guy responds "I saw you eat it before but if you don't want me to, sure I won't use it"

8e10b687e328468783a72c55b64710e8

(1453)

on July 22, 2012
at 11:44 AM

"Our relationship otherwise is wonderful"... even though your boyfriend completely disregards and disrespects your allergies and decisions. Every relationship has good and bad sides to it, but you have to measure it by how bad the relationship has gotten. Your boyfriend's not a normal guy.

5ccb98f6ae42ce87e206cf3f6a86039f

(11581)

on July 22, 2012
at 11:17 AM

Gosh, it sounds like just a wonderful relationship. NOT. If you truthfully reported in your OP what is going on, like it or not, there are very serious issues that certainly sound like emotional abuse.

5ccb98f6ae42ce87e206cf3f6a86039f

(11581)

on July 22, 2012
at 11:00 AM

This isn't a guy who can be led by example. He's an abuser. You NEVER advise someone who is being abused to work to make an abusive relationship better.

5ccb98f6ae42ce87e206cf3f6a86039f

(11581)

on July 22, 2012
at 10:41 AM

+1 This guy sounds emotionally abusive. Move forward by moving out.

A08b210e4da7e69cd792bddc1f4aae4b

(1031)

on July 22, 2012
at 08:47 AM

This is so not about Paleo, it's about respect and boundaries.

77877f762c40637911396daa19b53094

(78467)

on July 22, 2012
at 06:32 AM

@ Katie, You know WAY too much about peanut oil. Plus I'd never trust any chick who uses incomprehensible acronyms like "DTMFA". Just sayin'...

77877f762c40637911396daa19b53094

(78467)

on July 22, 2012
at 06:30 AM

You need to find another orthorexic you're compatible with.

518bce04b12cd77741237e1f61075194

(11577)

on July 22, 2012
at 05:48 AM

So Dan Savage up in here!

Medium avatar

(3024)

on July 22, 2012
at 05:12 AM

Agreed. The moment I read about ignoring the peanut allergy, red flags went up. I have a friend who told her gourmet boyfriend she was allergic to garlic and he kept slipping it into food because he didn't believe her. She spent more than one night writhing in pain before decided to "believe her". She stayed with him for years, but he was disrespectful about lots of things.

4ef079c57d2140bba4dbf4e30240a645

(4413)

on July 22, 2012
at 04:58 AM

I actually meant withOUT the help of Urban Dictionary. Oh Geez. never mind. Dump That Mother Fucking Ass? lmao

1e8b0544791fa695c718834e7a040642

(388)

on July 22, 2012
at 04:52 AM

Just have to add that I also love the new acronym, just managed to roll off my tongue when I read it. Brilliant! And I agree. DTMFA!

Bb3d1772b28c02da2426e40dfcb533f5

(5381)

on July 22, 2012
at 04:51 AM

There are lots of good cookbooks, and a quick google will show plenty of interesting recipes. But I agree with everyone else, even if hes skeptical, he really doesnt sound respectful...maybe its him who has the "fucked up relationship with food"?

4ef079c57d2140bba4dbf4e30240a645

(4413)

on July 22, 2012
at 04:39 AM

I agree. His issues really have nothing to do with food.

4ef079c57d2140bba4dbf4e30240a645

(4413)

on July 22, 2012
at 04:37 AM

+1 for a new acronym that I immediatly figured out (with the help of Urban Dictionary!) lol :D

41dfb1a4fecb38d24075ff52f13ccb28

on July 22, 2012
at 04:34 AM

+1 Good Call. I forgot to mention the peanut issue and I agree. @Silvestris - I had a friend who died from a peanut allergy. DIED. That isn't something to mess around with. That alone is a crazy thing to do to someone.

Afdf5873a082cd806c4d15c456f3614f

(336)

on July 22, 2012
at 04:27 AM

I have to agree here- if he isn't listening to your reasoning and respecting your decision then I think it is a huge sign that he is too controlling- YOU know what you need- if your partner does not respect that then it is a huge red flag.

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23 Answers

57
41dfb1a4fecb38d24075ff52f13ccb28

on July 22, 2012
at 04:12 AM

You want the truth? I wouldn't be staying with him.

Before I get jumped on...

Two people can coexist in a relationship where one eats Paleo and the other doesn't. Plenty of us on here do it. My SO was munching on Combos the other day and I just didn't join in. My food choices and his are not an issue. Because when you respect each other, you realize the other person is a competent adult that can make their own decisions about their food choices. It's not even a blip on the radar.

BUT...

If someone disrespected me enough to make nasty remarks (like your "fucked up relationship with food", when all you're trying to do is be aware for your own good health), I wouldn't be dating them very long. Or at all. Because if you're going to belittle me just because I don't want to (or can't or whatever) eat wheat, then what else are you going to try to rake me over the coals about?

Respect is the issue. And if he can't respect your decisions on something as small as this, what happens when you make a decision on something huge?

I can make decisions just fine on my own, and I'm sure you can too. I'm sure you're a competent adult. So his disrespect is appalling.

5ccb98f6ae42ce87e206cf3f6a86039f

(11581)

on July 22, 2012
at 10:41 AM

+1 This guy sounds emotionally abusive. Move forward by moving out.

121a16aded2bed8dca492d3c9662ef4c

(1327)

on July 22, 2012
at 01:00 PM

Not much that could be added here. In the words of Dan Savage, DTMFA.

Afdf5873a082cd806c4d15c456f3614f

(336)

on July 22, 2012
at 04:27 AM

I have to agree here- if he isn't listening to your reasoning and respecting your decision then I think it is a huge sign that he is too controlling- YOU know what you need- if your partner does not respect that then it is a huge red flag.

41
E5d4889d675291f020c72e958de1f77b

on July 22, 2012
at 04:28 AM

"I am allergic to peanuts, he reasons that they have no allergens" <- This alone seems like reason enough to DTMFA. Get out, find someone who isn't a jerk. I realize that peanut oil has been ruled safe for the majority of allergic individuals, but if an oil isn't processed well enough, there may be some protein in it that could cause a reaction. I can see why he wouldn't worry, but if you've made your concerns clear, he is doing this to spite you.

Your diet and your body are your concerns and yours alone. He has no business trying to sabotage you.

4ef079c57d2140bba4dbf4e30240a645

(4413)

on July 22, 2012
at 04:58 AM

I actually meant withOUT the help of Urban Dictionary. Oh Geez. never mind. Dump That Mother Fucking Ass? lmao

4ef079c57d2140bba4dbf4e30240a645

(4413)

on July 22, 2012
at 04:37 AM

+1 for a new acronym that I immediatly figured out (with the help of Urban Dictionary!) lol :D

41dfb1a4fecb38d24075ff52f13ccb28

on July 22, 2012
at 04:34 AM

+1 Good Call. I forgot to mention the peanut issue and I agree. @Silvestris - I had a friend who died from a peanut allergy. DIED. That isn't something to mess around with. That alone is a crazy thing to do to someone.

77877f762c40637911396daa19b53094

(78467)

on July 22, 2012
at 06:32 AM

@ Katie, You know WAY too much about peanut oil. Plus I'd never trust any chick who uses incomprehensible acronyms like "DTMFA". Just sayin'...

E5d4889d675291f020c72e958de1f77b

(646)

on July 22, 2012
at 10:27 PM

Sorry about the the acronym- I got a little impassioned and it just came out! Dan Savage has clearly affected the way I think about relationships for the better. ;)

518bce04b12cd77741237e1f61075194

(11577)

on July 22, 2012
at 05:48 AM

So Dan Savage up in here!

1e8b0544791fa695c718834e7a040642

(388)

on July 22, 2012
at 04:52 AM

Just have to add that I also love the new acronym, just managed to roll off my tongue when I read it. Brilliant! And I agree. DTMFA!

1edb06ded9ccf098a4517ca4a7a34ebc

(14952)

on July 22, 2012
at 06:44 PM

Agreed, DTMFA .

Medium avatar

(3024)

on July 22, 2012
at 05:12 AM

Agreed. The moment I read about ignoring the peanut allergy, red flags went up. I have a friend who told her gourmet boyfriend she was allergic to garlic and he kept slipping it into food because he didn't believe her. She spent more than one night writhing in pain before decided to "believe her". She stayed with him for years, but he was disrespectful about lots of things.

61844af1187e745e09bb394cbd28cf23

(11058)

on July 22, 2012
at 03:05 PM

Paleo troll: Look up Dan Savage. DTMFA isn't incomprehensible; many of us here know exactly what it means.

4ef079c57d2140bba4dbf4e30240a645

(4413)

on July 24, 2012
at 02:09 AM

I love Dan Savage! Great guy. Are you in Seattle Katie?

20
1e8b0544791fa695c718834e7a040642

(388)

on July 22, 2012
at 04:37 AM

I'm a chef who owns a gluten-free / mostly paleo catering company, and I'm mostly paleo and I don't find it to be very restrictive at all. GOOD food tastes good. Meat is good. Vegetables are good. If he can't respect your decision to eat a certain way, and belittles your choices, then that's more of a problem than the food you share. (or don't) And if he can't make good food out of the paleo guidelines, he should find a new career.

And if he says that peanuts have no allergens, I am extremely concerned about him making food for people. He's absolutely wrong, and is lucky no one has died and sued his ass.

If you do decide to stay with this jackass, "Good Meat" is my favorite cookbook on the subject of sustainable meat, and includes recipes for some of the less common parts.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but no one needs to stay in a relationship that is less than wonderful.

17
Ca1150430b1904659742ce2cad621c7d

(12540)

on July 22, 2012
at 01:27 PM

To be honest, if I had a partner who was so seriously dismissing things that were so very important to me -- I would be dismissing that partner. There you go. The VERY best advice I can offer, based on experience, and on YEARS of trying to "change" someone that I truly cared about into someone who matched the illusion I had of what he/she "could" be... If someone who claims to care for you can't accept you as you are, that isn't a healthy relationship -- and where there is one symptom like this, there are likely others hiding in the wings.

I have been both the coercive party and the one coerced in relationships, in the guise of "Love", and I can tell you that recognizing that I was BEING coercive helped me to see clearly all the places where others were subtly manipulating me with their own coercion... and in a couple of these cases, truly loving that person meant letting him or her go, because the fundamentals of our 'selves' were incompatible. You don't have to do so in a mean way -- but disrespect is disrespect, and if individuals in a relationship can't at least respect one another's choices, it isn't a health-promoting situation, regardless of what you're eating.

17
D7cc4049bef85d1979efbd853dc07c8e

(4029)

on July 22, 2012
at 12:57 PM

Let me put the "respect" issue into refined perspective.

He has contempt for something meaningful to you. NO relationship survives when there is contempt, when one has contempt for the other! It is the number one predicter of divorce in marriage. "fucked up relationship with food"? Right there, that's contempt. Sneaking in potential allergens into food? Contempt.

If he dated an ethical vegan would he try sneaking in meat, fish, or dairy into their dishes? What do you think that would say about a person who did that to the other?

He needs to start accepting your choice about your health; or you need to see this as a harbinger of a larger future where more of what you think, say, or do will be demeaned and you will be seen as unequal and accept unhappiness and a chance of fatal allergic reactions.

Good luck.

6120c989fd5b69f42a0834b69b87955b

(24553)

on July 23, 2012
at 08:27 AM

The peanut oil thing is a crazy red flag if you are allergic to peanuts...his ego is either going to get you or one of his customers killed.

15
7767e05a8c4504f6be03f13ee40815cd

(1299)

on July 22, 2012
at 05:15 AM

As someone who is allergic to soy and peanuts, and DOES react to the supposedly "safe" oils.... he is endangering your life! Leave without a second thought. This is abuse.

C2450eb7fa11b37473599caf93b461ef

(3225)

on July 23, 2012
at 01:55 PM

Indeed. My sis-in-law is allergic to sunflower and totally reacts to the oils.

15
560db54689099082bd5b88c73e22b285

on July 22, 2012
at 04:55 AM

Get the heck out! For all the reasons already stated above.

My stories:

I met BF1 when I was 21 and beginning to put on weight. He whined and moaned about my being overweight, but fed me heaping plates of pasta on a nightly basis. No matter how many times I told him to just serve me small amounts, he always handed me a mounding plate with a big sweet smile on his face. I'm not sure how conscious he was of his behavior, I think he really thought he was being nice, but subconsciously he was trying to control and trap me. Sure, I was his fat girlfriend, but I was HIS fat girlfriend and far less likely stray. I figured this out over time and in the meantime I was miserable and confused. I had no idea how bad pasta was back then, but I knew those huge plates were doing me no favors.

I got together with BF2 when I was 26 and had just gone from 240 to 195, I then went down an additional 15 and looked better than I had since I was 20. I was happy, proud, strong, etc. I started learning about WAPF (not even Paleo or Primal) and trying to eat more that way and he FLIPPED out. Said I was "no fun" even though we often ate out and I was just ordering different things now. He also put tons of pressure on me to continue losing weight, though my body was resisting and I felt great and felt I needed time to adjust to my 60 lb weight loss before working towards me. He was a majorly controlling a-hole and horrible for my self-esteem. On one hand he insisted I lose tons more weight (which at the time scared the sh*t out of me), while on the other I couldn't change how I ate to improve my health because it was "not fun" for him.

Get out! I'm 36, single, and pleased as punch with who I am, how I eat, and were my body is headed 19 months post-partum (yeah, that's another story or two, lol).

14
3dd59bff899261860c0bdaae8540cc70

on July 22, 2012
at 04:33 AM

I agree with A. Respect is the issue. My wife isn't paleo but I'm hardcore. Do I care that her food sucks? Yes. Hell yes. But I have no desire to change or "fix" her just as she has no desire to do that to me. She is an adult-she can make her own choices.

Respect. Seriously. Dump the douche and find somebody that respects you just for making a deliberate choice in your WOE-even if (and especially if) they don't agree with you.

Peggy the Primal Parent has a couple blog posts on this very thing-her relationship ended for pretty much the same reason and it def worked out for the best.

Good luck!

4ef079c57d2140bba4dbf4e30240a645

(4413)

on July 22, 2012
at 04:39 AM

I agree. His issues really have nothing to do with food.

12
C95aef4ece95dfe6132543a7a66be3e0

(120)

on July 22, 2012
at 04:43 AM

Wait! he knows you're allergic to Peanuts and yet wants to give you Peanut oil? Like someone else said. Dump the Douchebag!

11
724f0f45eb53919b8c617c3c1ec5fbc5

(830)

on July 22, 2012
at 08:36 PM

Professional cook are often dismissive of special diets and dietary restrictions. It creates problems for them in the kitchen, and oftentimes the customers asking for special accommodation are jerks. In truth, people with celiac or allergies are usually the politest, nicest customers you could ever want, but entitled jerks of all dietary stripes (not just paleo!) ruin it for everybody.

So add professional enmity toward special diets to the big honkin' ego that chefs are well-known for, and you get jerks like your BF. But he's taking it further than run of the mill jerkiness, and I agree with everyone who says he's being controlling and abusive. He needs to respect your boundaries, and you need to be firm and consistent in setting those boundaries.

I suggest you let him know that you are not his customer and your world is not his restaurant, and he can get with the program or get out. I predict that this will not go well, however, and he'll double down on whatever bullying tactics he used to get you to agree to a "non-paleo meal with him at most once a week, his choice what it is" -- because those tactics work! He figures if he just keeps working it and working it, you'll cave.

Even if all this stuff wasn't already entrenched in your relationship, long-term, I have my doubts about the compatibility between a committed paleo eater and a chef who's into eating across all the categories and enjoying every bit of what the world of food and dining have to offer. I used to live in that world, and it was awesome. If my health could stand it, I'd still be eating anything and everything, every chance I got.

To your boyfriend, you are broken because you don't eat all the things. Do you really want to stick with someone who sees you as a problem to be fixed? You know in your heart if he's willing and/or able to change his attitude toward you. If he can't, you need to DTMFA.

C8b2136ef95ba6aac211825ff38cc0e9

(971)

on July 23, 2012
at 02:29 PM

Really insightful.

61f9349ad28e3c42d1cec58ba4825a7d

(10480)

on July 23, 2012
at 02:58 AM

"I suggest you let him know that you are not his customer and your world is not his restaurant," that is a great line. +1

11
8e10b687e328468783a72c55b64710e8

on July 22, 2012
at 11:38 AM

Food isn't the problem here, your boyfriend is. He is really controlling over your food decisions, especially since he disregards the fact that you have peanut allergies. This is the opposite of what a boyfriend should do. What else does he try to push you around with? If he doesn't respect your wishes over small things such as not wanting some condiments, he will begin not respecting your decisions over bigger things. I've seen it happen over and over again.

Dump that fucker and find a real man. Real men aren't as pissy and dramatic like your boyfriend.

8e10b687e328468783a72c55b64710e8

(1453)

on July 22, 2012
at 11:54 AM

Oh also. Find a real man, preferably paleo men. Paleo men are real men.

9
1e9164a5a54003ac247d49c574dc7bfc

on July 22, 2012
at 06:41 PM

Before everyone down votes me, I'm ignoring the "fucked up relationship with food" comment and other such indicators that not only is the relationship hurtful to you emotionally, mentally, physically, but definitely not operating with proper communication, and focus on the food.

If you want to show anyone, anyone, that paleo can be good:

1, 12 oz Sirloin, grass fed, seasoned
1 bundle of asparagus
4 over easy eggs
1 lb. steamed cauliflower and broccoli
4 tbsp English somerset butter (grass fed, unsalted)

Cook the steak to your preference. The way I do it, a hot cast iron skillet, heavy on the pepper and salt, sear both sides, then toss it in an oven at 400 for about 5-8 minutes. Take it out, cover and let it rest in the pan for about 5-10 minutes with a 1/4 tbsp of grass fed butter on top to melt. This will make it about medium.

Begin steaming the broccoli and cauliflower, or roast them. Use herbs de provence. After steaming or roasting, toss with a tbsp of butter. Cover to keep warm.

Cook the asparagus, steam it, grill it, saute it, whatever you prefer, keep it simple though. Meanwhile, about half-way through cooking the asparagus begin by frying two eggs at a time, over-easy.

By now you can cut the steak in half, place each half on a plate, put a nice heaping of broccoli and cauliflower next to it. Lay the asparagus half on the steak. Put the heads of the asparagus on, it looks better. Then, take two eggs and lay them over the bottoms of the asparagus. Repeat on the other plate.

Add a glass of red wine, maybe a pinot noir or chardonnay.

Enjoy.

Notes: I use grass fed butter--before everyone freaks--it's got more flavor than coconut oil, and actually has vitamins from the cows that coconut oil lacks. In other words, it's more nutritionally beneficial. I would add some parmesan cheese, freshly grated to the eggs and asparagus, that's just me though. I tried to use basic vegetables that the average person likes, and I tried to keep the flavors as close to the food being cooked. Normally I would cook broccoli (as I buy it frozen) and whatever was in season.


On the relationship: Questions to ask yourself, and these should be YES or NO answers-

Will my SO at least listen to what I'm saying, without butting in, comments, snide remarks, etc.?

Will he try to cook food for me that is paleo, so he can still do it his way, so long as he follows the rules?

Is he helping or hurting my desire to become healthier?

Is he supportive (in a general sense, and with health)?

Is the sum of this relationship adding joy to my life, greater than it is adding stress?

Or, is the sum of this relationship adding stress to my life, greater than it is adding joy?

If the situation were to continue without change, would I stop trying to be healthier in order to avoid any confrontation, or the added stress?

Am I avoiding the topic of food, eating around him, talking about health, talking about fitness with him?

Sorry this is long. Much love. Be safe. Be happy. And remember, a happy relationship involves confrontation, talking about feelings, what matters to you, taking into account the other person's feelings as well.

When talking about this, try avoiding phrases such as, "You do this..", and focus on I and We. "I feel..." "We fight over..." "I want to work on..." "We need to be better at..."

In the end, you have to decide, Should I stay or should I go?

D7cc4049bef85d1979efbd853dc07c8e

(4029)

on July 22, 2012
at 09:49 PM

Very even tempered of you. +1

8
Af3e3615beba642bcafd0f21d64d74f7

on July 22, 2012
at 05:59 AM

If he absolutely insists on something that has a chance of compromising your health, what kind of a battle will you face with children? Do not play the battered wife/gf here, draw the line now and he will instantly see how serious this is, and will compromise on his own or you will see that you have not wasred valuable time for youraelf and future children.

7
78972387772c994caa78513a83978437

on July 22, 2012
at 09:25 PM

Run, Silvestris. Run.

7
4ef079c57d2140bba4dbf4e30240a645

on July 22, 2012
at 04:29 AM

Oh my. Sorry. This sounds very difficult but also very telling.

Are you in love with this man. Besides this issue, do you feel like hes the one?

Right now its about food but I suspect he is inflexible and invalidating about other stuff too.

It concerns me the he think he needs to "fix your fucked up relationship with food". Does he think he is better than you? Smarter? What you describe sounds very disrespectful. Its good you are seeing this now, before you get even more serious. If you two can't resolve this respectfully, you won't be able to resolve other issues either so in a way, this is a blessing.

Also, you are "messing" with his profession. It likely threatens him a lot that you "think" you know more about food than he does when he is a trained cook.

If you are in love and really wanted to have a life with this man than get some professional help. I'm of the opinion that everybody should have some pre-marital therapy anyway. Would prevent a lot of stress in the future.

It takes two to fight so... don't argue

5
Dea5f440698f5488b975ada2f61daa0d

on July 22, 2012
at 07:21 PM

It sounds like his cooking artistry is more important than your health - in fact, your life. My DH says the guy sounds like a manipulative a**hole.

5
1c67bc28f4e44bbb8770b86df0463df3

on July 22, 2012
at 03:07 PM

Give me your #. Ill eat steak w you anytime.

4
3967ae8ccdd35a794898a892271d27e7

(372)

on July 23, 2012
at 02:11 AM

Lay it out flat: You eat your food, I eat mine. No debate.

3
0878d9a61ca9c9d2615b7b4bc3b31b20

on July 23, 2012
at 01:54 AM

He sounds like a controlling, selfish asshole. You're probably best off leaving him.

3
36672b82609d6b687cbe4587b905aed3

on July 22, 2012
at 05:19 AM

I appreciate all the thoughtful and heartfelt answers I got from all of you; truly, it's wonderful that so many people would take the time to give their honest input. I am staying with him and I do realize I made him sound like a crazy control freak. Our relationship otherwise is wonderful and I don't feel disrespected or oppressed. He's just a normal guy who thinks he knows better than I do whenever the topic is food or diet. The peanut oil thing pissed me off because I once unknowingly was served something fried in peanut oil at his family's house and had no reaction, which he took as proof that I can eat all sorts of peanut oil willy-nilly. So thank you for the advice but I would not dream of leaving him as our relationship is otherwise wonderful. I know that some of you must have or have had similar situation with a stubborn spouse or family and I am still looking for tips to compromise or convince. Thank you for all your responses.

8e10b687e328468783a72c55b64710e8

(1453)

on July 22, 2012
at 11:45 AM

How your boyfriend responded: "you can eat peanut oil because I saw you eat it before", how a normal guy responds "I saw you eat it before but if you don't want me to, sure I won't use it"

8e10b687e328468783a72c55b64710e8

(1453)

on July 22, 2012
at 11:46 AM

How your boyfriend responds: "what's wrong with cheese? it's your crazy restrictions that are the issue", how a normal guy responds, "I don't understand what's wrong with cheese, but if you don't want any, then I'll respect that"

5ccb98f6ae42ce87e206cf3f6a86039f

(11581)

on July 22, 2012
at 11:17 AM

Gosh, it sounds like just a wonderful relationship. NOT. If you truthfully reported in your OP what is going on, like it or not, there are very serious issues that certainly sound like emotional abuse.

61f9349ad28e3c42d1cec58ba4825a7d

(10480)

on July 22, 2012
at 04:23 PM

Yep yep yep. I have been there and done that. Sometimes a person can see the issues before they can see the person. I agree with everyone here about this douche. We're not talking about stubborn spouses here, we're talking about someone who is, at best, disrespectful, and more realistically, abusive.

E36cb992cf0a5eba8b97a359c15f38b3

(4347)

on July 22, 2012
at 11:56 AM

Look- I grew up in an abusive household. Your OP seems like emotional abuse to me. (I should know. I saw it every day.) I don't care whether you unknowingly had something in peanut oil once and didn't react, making him think it's not a big deal. IT DOESN'T MATTER. (Also, did they know you were peanut-allergic and served it to you anyway? I hope not.) Stubborn and emotionally abusive are not the same thing. Anyone who doesn't take your well-being seriously & tries to control you has issues. I understand backpedaling to make him seem like a nice guy, but I'd do some soul-searching.

Medium avatar

(2923)

on July 22, 2012
at 04:39 PM

@Silvestris - What you are describing is not love, it's dependency.

8e10b687e328468783a72c55b64710e8

(1453)

on July 22, 2012
at 11:44 AM

"Our relationship otherwise is wonderful"... even though your boyfriend completely disregards and disrespects your allergies and decisions. Every relationship has good and bad sides to it, but you have to measure it by how bad the relationship has gotten. Your boyfriend's not a normal guy.

2
E8dd83fe24a0879d8b16ab4ca92b72dd

(1307)

on July 23, 2012
at 08:21 PM

First of all, I was in a relationship with a girl who was a chef. If that dipshit can't cook more than chicken breasts and plain veggies if you take away his flour, peanut oil, ect. he's a lousy fucking chef. That's the first problem, the second is, while everyone rightfully talks about him not respecting you, imagine having a family with this dipshit. Monsanto and co. are lobbying the medical community to lower awareness of gluten allergies ie. celiac disease. Imagine one of your children gets diagnosed. This guy sounds like the type that'll listen to CW no matter what and would likely feed your children food they were allergic to because he can't get over himself. Sounds like he's useless in helping you achieve your goals, in supporting you, and in being a caring human being. Maybe one day he'll find some woman who'll give him a taste of his own medicine...namely by sending his ass to the kitchen to make her a godddamn sandwich!

0
0a9ad4e577fe24a6b8aafa1dd7a50c79

on July 23, 2012
at 05:17 AM

Tell him he's addicted to carbs.

-3
6714718e2245e5190017d643a7614157

on July 22, 2012
at 04:07 AM

I think many of us have been down this same road. Hang in there and lead by silent example. People are resistant to change. Maybe after he sees your improved health he will change his diet too.

If you are looking for food ideas this is a good website:

http://www.chowstalker.com/

239bcbf6d0013fd74890f5c7305daf64

(664)

on July 22, 2012
at 12:29 PM

I have to second what Karen said. Rich, your post is well meaning; however, there are too many red flags here. This is not an eating problem, it is a personality problem. If he is controlling what she will eat until she changes then he will try and control other aspects of her life. This is a potentially disasterous scenario.

0a9ad4e577fe24a6b8aafa1dd7a50c79

(5150)

on July 22, 2012
at 02:07 PM

^Good point Doris :P

Fb67dc30cead043d1d13ea503a3044dc

(3280)

on July 23, 2012
at 01:04 AM

You guys are displacing your anger at this dude onto richfrmtx. Spooky mob mentality happening.

0e395acc856e3353f3f5892e6b09b0e7

(1227)

on July 22, 2012
at 12:53 PM

Why do you assume Silvistris is a she?

5ccb98f6ae42ce87e206cf3f6a86039f

(11581)

on July 22, 2012
at 11:00 AM

This isn't a guy who can be led by example. He's an abuser. You NEVER advise someone who is being abused to work to make an abusive relationship better.

Fb67dc30cead043d1d13ea503a3044dc

(3280)

on July 22, 2012
at 08:40 PM

I agree with the critiques of rich's answer, but five down votes? A bit excessive...I think we get the message!

6714718e2245e5190017d643a7614157

on July 22, 2012
at 06:12 PM

My bad, I was thinking strictly in terms of diet here. I was not focused on their relationship.

E36cb992cf0a5eba8b97a359c15f38b3

(4347)

on July 23, 2012
at 04:05 PM

trjones- Have you been abused? Have you been in a home with constant emotional abuse? Belittling, controlling behavior? Abuse is not just physical or sexual. This behavior is absolutely consistent with emotional abuse, and might actually put the OP's life at risk (with the peanut allergy). I encourage you to learn a little more about abuse before you tell those of us who are concerned about the OP to "get some perspective." I assure you--I have PLENTY of perspective.

4ec0fe4b4aab327f7efa2dfb06b032ff

(5145)

on July 23, 2012
at 02:02 AM

Seriously. Calling the boyfriend an abuser? That belittles the experience of people who actually are being abused. Get some perspective.

61f9349ad28e3c42d1cec58ba4825a7d

(10480)

on July 23, 2012
at 08:24 PM

Thank you, blueballoon. I do not feel belittled at all, as a person with perspective, and I agree that this boyfriend sounds quite abusive. Some people don't seem to think abuse can happen any way other than with a fist.

98bf2ca7f8778c79cd3f6c962011cfdc

(24286)

on July 28, 2012
at 03:48 AM

Yeah what's with the downvotes for Richard. The OP says herself she's not in an abusive relationship. Richard was trying to be helpful. Sure I'd leave this sorry sack o'crap in a heartbeat but to call this an abusive relationship just from what the OP has said about their issue with food, and knowing she says not only is it not abusive but that it's great is really kinda crazy. I know abuse is a touchy subject but don't take it out on Richard.

6714718e2245e5190017d643a7614157

on August 09, 2012
at 04:50 PM

Thanks Shari and TeaElf for your support. This is my swan song on PH. I done with PH. Over and out. It's been fun, but it's no longer fun now. Buh bye.

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