7

votes

is it wrong to ignore the requests of a pregnant wife?

Answered on August 19, 2014
Created January 20, 2011 at 3:12 AM

My wife is currently 6 months pregnant with our second baby. She has expressed her feelings about me losing weight while she gains it. In her ever so diplomatic way she let me know that it bothers her. So me being the loving husband that I am, have become much less particular about what I eat, slowing down (and reversing) the wonderful gains I previously made. However, is it wrong of me to just disregard her feelings on this matter and dive right back in - or will I incur the wrath of the Pregnancy Gods by purposely angering a woman in the middle of a body altering ordeal? Just looking for everyones honest opinions.

D30ff86ad2c1f3b43b99aed213bcf461

on December 11, 2011
at 03:21 AM

I just now saw this...hope now that a few months have passed you guys are doing well, Joey!! :-D

Cfa2637d1b6ec288d32379de06415792

(235)

on December 10, 2011
at 03:30 PM

Yes, I agree! Just tell her how much more help you will be with all your disposition and strong cave man arms to hold baby, bags, trolley and still open the door for her. I love my husband and I put his well being first, just saying.

Bbb65ec11a5cecf3a5fd9f400c979854

(124)

on July 20, 2011
at 01:56 PM

Those first six weeks are the WORST. Good thing babies are so darn cute. :-)

2c9c0fa91f6be6917e2e32018435d022

on July 20, 2011
at 01:43 PM

I hope that the delivery went smoothly, that you and your family has settled in nicely and that you did better nutritionally than I did right after the baby was born.

2c9c0fa91f6be6917e2e32018435d022

on July 20, 2011
at 01:40 PM

On a seperate note, the first month after my son came home was the worst, nutritionally speaking. I let the wheels fall off the wagon, between the lack of sleep, the need to always be "on", the adjustment to life and it was a particularly busy time at work. I gained close to 15 pounds in that one month alone. Now I am trying to get back in the groove, and it isn't easy. Like buddhism, this lifestyle should be called a practice, because you can always try to be better but rarely can be perfect.

2c9c0fa91f6be6917e2e32018435d022

on July 20, 2011
at 01:36 PM

This is actually very similar to our story, in respect to the fertility drugs and the resulting weight gain. My wife has been on hormone therapy for the better part of 5 years between the process to conceive our first child through several miscarriages and finally ou second. Although there was very little chance of me weighing less than her, she still had her reservations.

Af1d286f0fd5c3949f59b4edf4d892f5

(18452)

on July 17, 2011
at 04:17 PM

amen to that. +1

Ed983a42344945b1ff70fd9597a23493

on June 02, 2011
at 04:01 AM

I don't think he's saying to ignore his wife, but just to stand up for himself. Though, while this is, in my opinion, a fine way to talk to a man, one ought to approach a pregnant wife with a lot more tact and love!

2c9c0fa91f6be6917e2e32018435d022

on May 09, 2011
at 03:47 AM

FYI - last week my wife delivered a beautiful baby boy. Everyone is home and healthy...and now I have a whole new set of challenges ...namely lack of sleep and the resulting state of exhauation. Oh and I decided that there are some things in life at cerain times that are more important than nutrition, so I chose to put my focus and attention on the things that really truly mattered during those few months. Gettting the house ready, playing with my daughter and keeping my wife as stress-free as possible. And I did it all guilt-free. I hope you all enjoy your everydays as much as I do.

2c9c0fa91f6be6917e2e32018435d022

on January 23, 2011
at 07:41 PM

Wow. I am glad that I sparked some emotion in people. Now, my wife NEVER asked me to sacrifice my health. In fact, the idea was originally brought up to me by a mutual friend whose words were (and I'll try to be as exact as possible lest someone read too much between the lines) "Doesn't it bother L that you are losing so much weight?" I said, "I had never thought about it." So, the next time someone made a comment to me in front of her, I asked her if it bothers her. Her exact words were, "I just don't want you to be at your lowest weight, and I want you to still have snacks with me."

149af6e19a06675614dfbb6838a7d7c0

(3202)

on January 23, 2011
at 08:52 AM

Come Mitschu, it's one of the oldest jokes in the husband/wife routines. I even heard this statement from my wife when she was pregnant...but she's a stand up and I knew it was coming. We had a good laugh till I realized...do I really know that I did this to her? I got to stop thinking so much. Or, get a better class of friends.

52dd4e2f233fffa5eb91e285896eb312

(80)

on January 22, 2011
at 07:13 PM

I think what Steve is saying, in his own inflammatory way, is that OP needs to stop letting himself get pushed around by his wife's "needs" taking priority over his own health. And again, it's not HIS baby, it's THEIR baby.

52dd4e2f233fffa5eb91e285896eb312

(80)

on January 22, 2011
at 07:06 PM

Any way to vote you up twice, David? Perfect answer.

52dd4e2f233fffa5eb91e285896eb312

(80)

on January 22, 2011
at 07:01 PM

No. No he didn't. He did NOT do anything by himself to her. They did this TOGETHER, and that's how they need to approach this.

52dd4e2f233fffa5eb91e285896eb312

(80)

on January 22, 2011
at 06:58 PM

@Kaz - this isn't really the place to discuss my feelings on misandry / misogyny (or how according to this website's spell check, misandry doesn't exist - lol much?), but I'll just say the appropriate level of mind reading is where you do exactly what she wants you to do, unless she doesn't want you to but wants you to think she wants you to. Unless she really wants you to, but is testing your ability to see through her not wanting you to.

74f5d2ff6567edd456d31dfb9b92af61

(5227)

on January 22, 2011
at 06:49 PM

I agree, Mitschu. My puzzlement lies in, he's supposed to infer her feelings from her lamentations, but not go so far as to assume what she wants him to do. What is the acceptable level of mind-reading for a partner?

52dd4e2f233fffa5eb91e285896eb312

(80)

on January 22, 2011
at 06:29 PM

I'm kind of shocked at the number of people recommending you take subterfuge action / look after the needs of the mother first and foremost, while still taking care of yourself wherever possible as a second priority. Get realistic now, especially if this isn't going to be the only child y'all have together. Sure, she'll be going through the 9 months of stress birthing, but you'll both be going through 18 years of stress raising, and need to be equal partners in that. You losing weight to be more physically active with the children is an amazing and good thing, and she needs to see that. -HUG-

52dd4e2f233fffa5eb91e285896eb312

(80)

on January 22, 2011
at 06:25 PM

@Kaz - openness and honesty are the most important things in any relationship. I've never had a relationship end well that was built on lies and manipulation. @AKD - I'm aware that you feel strongly about this, and that you've been through the emotional, physical, and mental stress of childbirth. Which is why I was actually expecting you to recognize how inappropriate her behavior is. It does not bode well for the child if the environment he comes into is filled with this type of passive aggressive hostility.

52dd4e2f233fffa5eb91e285896eb312

(80)

on January 22, 2011
at 06:18 PM

"She has expressed her feelings about me losing weight while she gains it. In her ever so diplomatic way she let me know that it bothers her. So me being the loving husband that I am, have become much less particular about what I eat, slowing down (and reversing) the wonderful gains I previously made." Translation: She nagged me ('ever so diplomatic way') into gaining weight again, despite me making a lifestyle change because I was uncomfortable with how much I weighed. She HAS asked him to sacrifice /reverse his diet, which leads to sacrificing his health if he was at an unhealthy level.

74f5d2ff6567edd456d31dfb9b92af61

(5227)

on January 21, 2011
at 11:46 PM

I make a point to be candid with my partner about my feelings; I regard it as unfair to expect my partner to read my mind. I request the same from him. I guess what puzzles me is why the wife cannot explicitly state what is bothering her, and instead expects him to "read between the lines". Thank you for the insight, Akd, and I appreciate the alternative perspectives on the matter. :) I guess my question Joey is this: has your wife asked you to sabotage your health, or has she merely indicated a need for nurturing during this difficult time for her?

Aead76beb5fc7b762a6b4ddc234f6051

(15239)

on January 21, 2011
at 11:00 PM

he also clearly states that his wife, who is 6 months pregnant, has expressed her feelings about his losing weight while she gains it, and that it bothers her. nowhere does it say that she has asked him to sacrifice his health and diet- ONLY THAT it upsets her to see him losing while she gains. THAT is what is posted. you are inferring that what follows is that she is asking him to sacrifice his health, when in fact he did not say that she had asked that of him. all she did was express her feelings. if thats what you consider an unhealthy marriage..........

52dd4e2f233fffa5eb91e285896eb312

(80)

on January 21, 2011
at 09:51 PM

Reading the question as it is posed, it's not about whether or not the husband is emphasizing with the wife and supporting her. The question posed, bluntly, is "Should I be sacrificing my health, since maintaining it makes my wife unhappy and insecure with her body image?" And the answer is a resounding NO. Nobody has the right to place requirements on what another person does with their body. I agree with Kaz and Hannah, this is emotional abuse (justify with hormones / mood swings as much as you want), unwarranted, and certainly not setting a healthy environment for an expected child.

Aead76beb5fc7b762a6b4ddc234f6051

(15239)

on January 21, 2011
at 06:36 PM

i really dont think that his wife is saying, "i want you to to be fat and out of shape." it would behoove anyone to read between the lines and see that she is actually expressing her own discomfort wth her body and its changes. one can either be sensitive to those feelings......or not.

E35e3d76547b18096a59c90029e7e107

(15613)

on January 21, 2011
at 05:20 PM

I was going to suggest that this might be a good time for a 'bulking phase' too, namely do some heavy lifting and eat enough for muscle gain (without going wild, if weight loss is your ultimate concern).

C8521a858edd480815a55f683afff86a

(2065)

on January 21, 2011
at 04:20 PM

I have to agree. Empathizing and supporting your wife is one thing, being asked to suspend your own health and well-being is another. This leaves such a bad taste in my mouth! I would think the wife should be thrilled to have a healthy and fit hubby to be with.

61b801de5dc345b557cd4623d4a4f26b

(2682)

on January 21, 2011
at 03:36 PM

mmmmm, if my husband made fried eggs for me, I'd be in heaven...and I'm not even pregnant! 8)

Aead76beb5fc7b762a6b4ddc234f6051

(15239)

on January 21, 2011
at 03:30 AM

im having a ahrd time swallowing the first line of this comment. if im reading this correctly, youre telling the OP to "man up" and ignore his wifes feelings and requests. i guess technically thats an answer to his question, but IMHO, i think its a terrible one that doesnt really address any of the issues that OP referred to. "simply" because she is having HIS baby? sorry. color me offended.

D30ff86ad2c1f3b43b99aed213bcf461

on January 21, 2011
at 12:05 AM

My personal pet peeve remark made to me was, "Wow, you look like you're about to POP!" ... I inevitably end up thinking: "Yes, thanks, you're so original...like I haven't heard that one about TWENTY times today already..." Worst part? It always starts getting said around month 7 when baby and I still had lbs. and weeks go to!

Aead76beb5fc7b762a6b4ddc234f6051

(15239)

on January 20, 2011
at 08:57 PM

really well said. i HATE it when people say, "WOW! youre HUGE!" when youre pregnant. thats pretty much the worst, and you get it all day and night! my husband would say to those people, "yeah, isnt my wife beautiful??" it really made a difference, since his is one of the only opinions that matters to me. i think as her partner, its your job to boost her when shes down, and bring pregnant can really make you feel down sometimes.

D30ff86ad2c1f3b43b99aed213bcf461

on January 20, 2011
at 08:07 PM

LOVE this. Empathy, empathy, empathy. Can't go wrong.

1471beca8e3adff4ae2f89d10e5f7acb

(6550)

on January 20, 2011
at 07:12 PM

I've never been pregnant myself, but I love this post for its sensitivity and compassion to women's issues, something that can be lacking at times on PH. Thank you!

Medium avatar

(2169)

on January 20, 2011
at 04:35 PM

I agree with Sherpamelissa, but @michael, I think your lifting heavy advice is a wonderful idea! I'm a woman who likes a pretty strong muscular man. Pregnant or not, I'm gonna react positively to my man getting more muscular. Maybe the poster's wife would too. It doesn't really have much to do with the argument, but still not a bad idea.

Aead76beb5fc7b762a6b4ddc234f6051

(15239)

on January 20, 2011
at 03:56 PM

ugh, the day i had to move the drivers seat back in the car because my belly wouldnt fit behind the wheel anymore KILLED ME! i cried and cried. even though i knew it meant i had a beautiful healthy baby made out of me, i felt like a whale with no end in sight. pregnancy screws with your mind as much as it does with your body! stay well!

D67e7b481854b02110d5a5b21d6789b1

(4101)

on January 20, 2011
at 03:33 PM

Fantastic answer, Eva!!

9722850c9a1c47b79edf7c4233040248

(1276)

on January 20, 2011
at 03:33 PM

As a 20-week pregnant lady, I couldn't agree more. I haven't even gained any weight (between being slightly overweight and losing a little to morning sickness), but I have a belly now and it is HARD to look in the closet and see 6 inches of space taken up my my "fat clothes" because maternity doesn't fit yet, and the rest taken up by his "skinny clothes" because he lost weight last year. It's truly terrifying to lose control of your body. Don't tell her your numbers, don't be smug about your healthy diet, don't tell her that others think she unreasonable. She really just needs empathy.

7e746be2f0e550a8cd7df881322ae705

(18701)

on January 20, 2011
at 01:41 PM

Not to be flip, but there's really no "winning" an argument with a pregnant wife. Really there should be no winning or losing with any significant other, there should be a compromise and understanding of both positions.

2c9c0fa91f6be6917e2e32018435d022

on January 20, 2011
at 11:52 AM

I have no doubt that she is feeling insecure about her weight, although it is not from me acting smug. Other people are coming up to doing it for me. Without lie this is the typical line, "Wow, you look great. You lost a lot of weight. And you look so big, are you almost ready to pop?" I understand it can be a bit much to deal with.

5841391284e7af8c495c54bd90d3a795

(2764)

on January 20, 2011
at 05:18 AM

Put your thumb on the scale - do not report further losses.

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20 Answers

best answer

3
Bbb65ec11a5cecf3a5fd9f400c979854

on July 17, 2011
at 01:16 PM

When I got pregnant, my husband embarked on a diet/fitness campaign and started shedding weight like crazy. Meanwhile, because of fertility drugs and two pregnancies back-to-back (we lost our first and then I got pregnant again just a couple of months later.Yes, I was pregnant FOREVER!) I was the heaviest I'd ever been in my life, by close to fifty pounds. I told my husband that I was very pleased that he was getting in shape and losing weight, but that if he went below MY weight, I would kill him. KILL HIM. :-D I told him flat out that I had no problem being a single mom, and that when it came to trial I'd make sure that some women were on the jury and I'd never be convicted. (Plus, I used to be a cop. I know how to hide the bodies! LOL)

He lost forty pounds, but when I delivered our daughter he was still a whole two pounds heavier than I. So I let him live. :-)

2c9c0fa91f6be6917e2e32018435d022

on July 20, 2011
at 01:36 PM

This is actually very similar to our story, in respect to the fertility drugs and the resulting weight gain. My wife has been on hormone therapy for the better part of 5 years between the process to conceive our first child through several miscarriages and finally ou second. Although there was very little chance of me weighing less than her, she still had her reservations.

2c9c0fa91f6be6917e2e32018435d022

on July 20, 2011
at 01:40 PM

On a seperate note, the first month after my son came home was the worst, nutritionally speaking. I let the wheels fall off the wagon, between the lack of sleep, the need to always be "on", the adjustment to life and it was a particularly busy time at work. I gained close to 15 pounds in that one month alone. Now I am trying to get back in the groove, and it isn't easy. Like buddhism, this lifestyle should be called a practice, because you can always try to be better but rarely can be perfect.

Bbb65ec11a5cecf3a5fd9f400c979854

(124)

on July 20, 2011
at 01:56 PM

Those first six weeks are the WORST. Good thing babies are so darn cute. :-)

16
Aead76beb5fc7b762a6b4ddc234f6051

(15239)

on January 20, 2011
at 02:42 PM

i dont think any man can ever undertand how difficult it can be for a pregnant woman to see her body be completely transformed and completely out of her control. we KNOW that women need to gain weight while pregnant in order to have a healthy pregnancy, and since this is her second pregnancy, she also knows that the bulk of that weight is lost to fluids in the first couple of weeks postpartum. i cannot stress how emotionally hard it still is though to watch your body spiral out of your control. i only gained 20 pounds with each kiddo, but it stayed on me and has been very hard to lose. in the time ive lost ten pounds, my husband has lost 30 with little effort on his part. its frustrating, especially when women are confronted by these heidi klum images of women modeling for victorias secret 6 weeks postpartum. we definitely get the message that its unacceptable to not be back ot a "bikini body" on our way out of the hospital.

some empathy for what she is feeling would definitely be in order. this doesnt sound like a "fight" you need to "win", or an argument at all, but rather her expressing her frustrations and fears about how this pregnancy is changing her body. just talk to her about how beautiful she is, and how her body is doing this miraculous thing, working harder than it ever will. growing a human being is no small task.

for a year+, her body IS NOT HER OWN, and thats a hard thing to have to get used to. shes not "obese", shes PREGNANT. shes not "fat, shes PREGNANT. and with time, when her body and the baby are ready, she will be back in shape, but now is the time for her to focus on taking care of herself and her baby. what she needs to do to stay healthy is different than what you need to do to stay healthy, but no doubt thats the ultimate goal for you both. i know that she knows this, because i go theough the same things when im pregnant. all the women i know do to an extent. just take care of her, be gentle with her and remind her to be gentle with herself during this transformation. there will be time for her to someday see her abs again.

D30ff86ad2c1f3b43b99aed213bcf461

on January 20, 2011
at 08:07 PM

LOVE this. Empathy, empathy, empathy. Can't go wrong.

1471beca8e3adff4ae2f89d10e5f7acb

(6550)

on January 20, 2011
at 07:12 PM

I've never been pregnant myself, but I love this post for its sensitivity and compassion to women's issues, something that can be lacking at times on PH. Thank you!

Aead76beb5fc7b762a6b4ddc234f6051

(15239)

on January 20, 2011
at 03:56 PM

ugh, the day i had to move the drivers seat back in the car because my belly wouldnt fit behind the wheel anymore KILLED ME! i cried and cried. even though i knew it meant i had a beautiful healthy baby made out of me, i felt like a whale with no end in sight. pregnancy screws with your mind as much as it does with your body! stay well!

9722850c9a1c47b79edf7c4233040248

(1276)

on January 20, 2011
at 03:33 PM

As a 20-week pregnant lady, I couldn't agree more. I haven't even gained any weight (between being slightly overweight and losing a little to morning sickness), but I have a belly now and it is HARD to look in the closet and see 6 inches of space taken up my my "fat clothes" because maternity doesn't fit yet, and the rest taken up by his "skinny clothes" because he lost weight last year. It's truly terrifying to lose control of your body. Don't tell her your numbers, don't be smug about your healthy diet, don't tell her that others think she unreasonable. She really just needs empathy.

15
74f5d2ff6567edd456d31dfb9b92af61

(5227)

on January 20, 2011
at 03:41 AM

I would say that if the roles were reversed, and a man was trying to subvert and suppress a woman in the same manner, one might regard it as emotionally abusive and controlling. I think it's terribly unfair of her to try to coerce you into being in sub-optimal shape just because she feels unattractive/obese.

Aead76beb5fc7b762a6b4ddc234f6051

(15239)

on January 21, 2011
at 06:36 PM

i really dont think that his wife is saying, "i want you to to be fat and out of shape." it would behoove anyone to read between the lines and see that she is actually expressing her own discomfort wth her body and its changes. one can either be sensitive to those feelings......or not.

C8521a858edd480815a55f683afff86a

(2065)

on January 21, 2011
at 04:20 PM

I have to agree. Empathizing and supporting your wife is one thing, being asked to suspend your own health and well-being is another. This leaves such a bad taste in my mouth! I would think the wife should be thrilled to have a healthy and fit hubby to be with.

52dd4e2f233fffa5eb91e285896eb312

(80)

on January 21, 2011
at 09:51 PM

Reading the question as it is posed, it's not about whether or not the husband is emphasizing with the wife and supporting her. The question posed, bluntly, is "Should I be sacrificing my health, since maintaining it makes my wife unhappy and insecure with her body image?" And the answer is a resounding NO. Nobody has the right to place requirements on what another person does with their body. I agree with Kaz and Hannah, this is emotional abuse (justify with hormones / mood swings as much as you want), unwarranted, and certainly not setting a healthy environment for an expected child.

74f5d2ff6567edd456d31dfb9b92af61

(5227)

on January 21, 2011
at 11:46 PM

I make a point to be candid with my partner about my feelings; I regard it as unfair to expect my partner to read my mind. I request the same from him. I guess what puzzles me is why the wife cannot explicitly state what is bothering her, and instead expects him to "read between the lines". Thank you for the insight, Akd, and I appreciate the alternative perspectives on the matter. :) I guess my question Joey is this: has your wife asked you to sabotage your health, or has she merely indicated a need for nurturing during this difficult time for her?

Aead76beb5fc7b762a6b4ddc234f6051

(15239)

on January 21, 2011
at 11:00 PM

he also clearly states that his wife, who is 6 months pregnant, has expressed her feelings about his losing weight while she gains it, and that it bothers her. nowhere does it say that she has asked him to sacrifice his health and diet- ONLY THAT it upsets her to see him losing while she gains. THAT is what is posted. you are inferring that what follows is that she is asking him to sacrifice his health, when in fact he did not say that she had asked that of him. all she did was express her feelings. if thats what you consider an unhealthy marriage..........

52dd4e2f233fffa5eb91e285896eb312

(80)

on January 22, 2011
at 06:58 PM

@Kaz - this isn't really the place to discuss my feelings on misandry / misogyny (or how according to this website's spell check, misandry doesn't exist - lol much?), but I'll just say the appropriate level of mind reading is where you do exactly what she wants you to do, unless she doesn't want you to but wants you to think she wants you to. Unless she really wants you to, but is testing your ability to see through her not wanting you to.

52dd4e2f233fffa5eb91e285896eb312

(80)

on January 22, 2011
at 06:25 PM

@Kaz - openness and honesty are the most important things in any relationship. I've never had a relationship end well that was built on lies and manipulation. @AKD - I'm aware that you feel strongly about this, and that you've been through the emotional, physical, and mental stress of childbirth. Which is why I was actually expecting you to recognize how inappropriate her behavior is. It does not bode well for the child if the environment he comes into is filled with this type of passive aggressive hostility.

52dd4e2f233fffa5eb91e285896eb312

(80)

on January 22, 2011
at 06:18 PM

"She has expressed her feelings about me losing weight while she gains it. In her ever so diplomatic way she let me know that it bothers her. So me being the loving husband that I am, have become much less particular about what I eat, slowing down (and reversing) the wonderful gains I previously made." Translation: She nagged me ('ever so diplomatic way') into gaining weight again, despite me making a lifestyle change because I was uncomfortable with how much I weighed. She HAS asked him to sacrifice /reverse his diet, which leads to sacrificing his health if he was at an unhealthy level.

74f5d2ff6567edd456d31dfb9b92af61

(5227)

on January 22, 2011
at 06:49 PM

I agree, Mitschu. My puzzlement lies in, he's supposed to infer her feelings from her lamentations, but not go so far as to assume what she wants him to do. What is the acceptable level of mind-reading for a partner?

2c9c0fa91f6be6917e2e32018435d022

on January 23, 2011
at 07:41 PM

Wow. I am glad that I sparked some emotion in people. Now, my wife NEVER asked me to sacrifice my health. In fact, the idea was originally brought up to me by a mutual friend whose words were (and I'll try to be as exact as possible lest someone read too much between the lines) "Doesn't it bother L that you are losing so much weight?" I said, "I had never thought about it." So, the next time someone made a comment to me in front of her, I asked her if it bothers her. Her exact words were, "I just don't want you to be at your lowest weight, and I want you to still have snacks with me."

15
D30ff86ad2c1f3b43b99aed213bcf461

on January 20, 2011
at 03:22 AM

You will need to be on top of your game physically once your baby arrives (as you probably know all too well from baby #1!). If you can make this argument for your wife - and then convince her that you being in your best shape will mean you can help extra in 3 months with the kiddoes while she gets a break - to sleep, to exercise, whatever! - then you might get some grace.

Remind her as lovingly and diplomatically as you can that you will go very much out of your way to assist with her postpartum fitness and nutrition goals - and in the meantime that you adore her exactly how she is. (Also not a bad time to wax appreciative of the beauty brought by beholding one's "glowing"/"radiant" pregnant wife.)

For right now, even beside your fitness routine, go for walks with your family. If weather doesn't permit, go to the mall and take a stroll. Just get the blood going a bit. The change of scenery and the mild exertion will help.

Also: are you helping her with her meals/cooking/cleanup, etc. right now? That might also be a way to help relieve her stress while keeping her healthy, too! Nothing says undying love like a man frying eggs in bacon grease at the stove.

61b801de5dc345b557cd4623d4a4f26b

(2682)

on January 21, 2011
at 03:36 PM

mmmmm, if my husband made fried eggs for me, I'd be in heaven...and I'm not even pregnant! 8)

10
A89f9751a97c3082802dc0bcbe4e9208

(13978)

on January 20, 2011
at 03:21 AM

You need to be strong and full of energy when that kid arrives! ;)

Cfa2637d1b6ec288d32379de06415792

(235)

on December 10, 2011
at 03:30 PM

Yes, I agree! Just tell her how much more help you will be with all your disposition and strong cave man arms to hold baby, bags, trolley and still open the door for her. I love my husband and I put his well being first, just saying.

9
21084e275703e9a3909dafa28e5d29b5

(1103)

on January 20, 2011
at 07:07 PM

don't disregard her feelings, but also don't disregard your health. Why can't you eat paleo/healthy and still support her at the same time?

I don't think this is really about food. I think this is about her feeling left behind...

I think a good heart to heart is in order. I understand people make comments "wow you look great have you lost weight?" and then turn around and say to her "you're so huge! when are you due?" (honestly that would make me want to punch both the person saying that and my husband) You can't help what other people say, BUT you can be extra loving and supportive. If she gets upset, let her get upset, but I think that's where the heart to heart comes in. "Honey, I'm not doing this to undermine/upset you. I'm doing this so I can be HEALTHY so I can take care of you and the baby." Talk it out. Why is she so upset? Is it like Eva said? Find out how your wife is feeling, what she is thinking. Don't forget that even if we don't admit it women enjoy being the pretty ones! (I was once told that the woman is the picture and the man is the picture frame...I bet she's feeling more like the picture frame and its upsetting her) I think if you tell her that your focus is on health rather than weight loss it'll be better and if you remind her just how beautiful she is.

Tell her and SHOW HER WITH YOUR ACTIONS how wonderful she looks, how much she means to you, how excited you are that she's carrying your baby and making this sacrifice for both of you (I know you don't get the option to carry the baby, but give her credit, she needs it). Cook healthy meals for BOTH of you. I like the idea of going on walks as a family.

GOOD LUCK!

D30ff86ad2c1f3b43b99aed213bcf461

on January 21, 2011
at 12:05 AM

My personal pet peeve remark made to me was, "Wow, you look like you're about to POP!" ... I inevitably end up thinking: "Yes, thanks, you're so original...like I haven't heard that one about TWENTY times today already..." Worst part? It always starts getting said around month 7 when baby and I still had lbs. and weeks go to!

Aead76beb5fc7b762a6b4ddc234f6051

(15239)

on January 20, 2011
at 08:57 PM

really well said. i HATE it when people say, "WOW! youre HUGE!" when youre pregnant. thats pretty much the worst, and you get it all day and night! my husband would say to those people, "yeah, isnt my wife beautiful??" it really made a difference, since his is one of the only opinions that matters to me. i think as her partner, its your job to boost her when shes down, and bring pregnant can really make you feel down sometimes.

8
5494f5d16f525b66683973f507f9dd1e

(80)

on January 21, 2011
at 04:20 PM

Maybe this can looked at from an evolutionary standpoint. Your wife is pregnant. She may see herself as not as hot and desirable as before. You on the other hand are losing weight and improving your "value." Your display of higher value has your wife feeling threatened. You're getting more attractive and she's not (in her mind). She's afraid of losing you to a non-pregnant hot female. Meanwhile, she's pregnant and worried she's going to be stuck with the baby by herself. It's an evolutionary defense mechanism.

You might want to pose your question to Athol Kay, who runs the Married Man Sex Life blog. http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/

7
62ed65f3596aa2f62fa1d58a0c09f8c3

(20807)

on January 20, 2011
at 04:45 AM

The heart of this issue is not weight. The real question/prob is why does it bother her that you are eating healthy and losing weight? Is she feeling insecure about how fat she is with the baby and is worried you might end up looking to good and not want her anymore? Are you giving her reasons to feel this way? If so, then your job would be to reassure he and even seek counciling if need be. This level of insecurity is a bit over the top, but of course, when hormones surge, small insecurities can sometimes become larger ones. And if you are going around acting smug about your healthier eating (and believe me, I know this is easy to do as I do it myself), that could be another source of the problem. Or she might feel guilty or worried about eating right for her child or maybe she even disagrees with the health of your diet. But whatever the problem, this problem is not really about the paleo diet, it is about a problem in your marriage and you need to deal with it as such. There would be no point in you going back to your wife and saying that the people on paleo diet board say you are being unreasonable. That would not help you as we would be giving you advice while knowing only one tiny piece of the puzzle coming from your side of the story. You will need to deal with root of the whole problem in order to straighten this out.

2c9c0fa91f6be6917e2e32018435d022

on January 20, 2011
at 11:52 AM

I have no doubt that she is feeling insecure about her weight, although it is not from me acting smug. Other people are coming up to doing it for me. Without lie this is the typical line, "Wow, you look great. You lost a lot of weight. And you look so big, are you almost ready to pop?" I understand it can be a bit much to deal with.

D67e7b481854b02110d5a5b21d6789b1

(4101)

on January 20, 2011
at 03:33 PM

Fantastic answer, Eva!!

4
52dd4e2f233fffa5eb91e285896eb312

on January 22, 2011
at 07:14 PM

-fixed- Sorry, posted in wrong field, OP.

I'm kind of shocked at the number of people recommending you take subterfuge action / look after the needs of the mother first and foremost, while still taking care of yourself wherever possible as a second priority. Get realistic now, especially since this isn't going to be the only child y'all have together. Sure, she'll be going through the 9 months of stress birthing, but you'll both be going through 18 years of stress raising, and need to be equal partners in that. You losing weight to be more physically active with the children is an amazing and good thing, and she needs to see that. -HUG-

4
9c215d66a663fbae3a16cf5515889d7f

(260)

on January 21, 2011
at 09:03 PM

I'm in the exact same boat. I'm 40, I've been paleo since last November, and have replaced my "pony keg" with a six pack. My wife is at 7 months with baby #2 and has said the exact same thing - it bothers her that she's getting bigger while I'm getting smaller. As other people have mentioned, I feel like I'm training for an event (all nighters, carrying baby around in car seat thing, keeping up with the 5 year old, etc.) and need to be in the best shape I can be.

Whether she likes it or not, it's in her best interest for me to be as healthy and strong as possible once the baby comes. She's really into grains, but I think she's opening up to the paleo thing a bit. Having seen how easy it was for me to lose the weight, I think it's giving her some hope that she'll lose the weight more easily this time.

2c9c0fa91f6be6917e2e32018435d022

on July 20, 2011
at 01:43 PM

I hope that the delivery went smoothly, that you and your family has settled in nicely and that you did better nutritionally than I did right after the baby was born.

4
E35e3d76547b18096a59c90029e7e107

(15613)

on January 21, 2011
at 06:17 PM

I think the other answers here have more or less covered it, so I'll just observe that your profile mentions one relative dying from obesity related complications and one "constantly sick or injured." I think this means you have ample reason to not "slow down and reverse... the wonderful gains [you] previously made." Weight loss is one of those those areas where people often find it difficult to get back on track if they slow down or break good habits for a while, so it's quite a demand for you to purposefully "be less particular" about what you eat for three months or more. It's one thing for your wife to let you know that "it bothers her" (which is quite reasonable) and another for her to explicitly request that you harm your health for her sake. Without wanting to suggest that pregnant women are necessarily irrational, I think it's reasonable in this situation to suggest that even if it's difficult for your wife now to see you losing weight, from her own ideally rational perspective she would want you to be healthy and would support you losing weight (as presumably she did before). Of course, if she says explicitly, that she still wants you to gain weight, then it's up to you what you do, but I don't think it's at all unreasonable to put your health first- and that's taking into account her feelings and interests.

52dd4e2f233fffa5eb91e285896eb312

(80)

on January 22, 2011
at 07:06 PM

Any way to vote you up twice, David? Perfect answer.

Af1d286f0fd5c3949f59b4edf4d892f5

(18452)

on July 17, 2011
at 04:17 PM

amen to that. +1

4
07ca188c8dac3a17f629dd87198d2098

(7970)

on January 20, 2011
at 02:23 PM

My first child, I gained weight right alongside my wife. Bad idea.

My second child I was fully into paleo/primal, and both the wife and I ate pretty well - me much more so than her (I'm not going to convert her unless she sees the light for herself, and has yet to do so). She put on MUCH less weight for this pregnancy (she even started at a lower weight without realizing thanks to my cooking) and it came off for her very quickly.

I'd say it's best to give your wife the support she needs, but honestly - it's in both of your best interests to maintain a healthy way of eating.

2
6120c989fd5b69f42a0834b69b87955b

(24553)

on July 17, 2011
at 09:20 AM

I know this is an older post and you are well into baby bouncing at this point, but just in case anyone else is experiencing this, I would like to share a thought. I have to wonder how much time were you spending working out versus time adoring your wife? When I felt like a big pregnant beached whale and was too tired to do much, I would feel a bit abandoned when my husband would still go out and do all the fun things he always had done. I would pick random hormonal fights with him about his doing things after work, even great things like working out. I didn't want to keep him from the things that kept him happy and healthy, I just felt like I was the only one doing the hard work of growing a baby and "building the nest" while his life was still unchanged, and you know what they say, "misery loves company." I hope you figured out a way to stay in shape no matter what guilt trip she threw at you because parenthood is a marathon and now you will have more energy to help with the baby so she can go out and have some healthy fun.

2
07ad8e05f734cb1deec5479dc0e4a194

(315)

on January 21, 2011
at 09:14 PM

I think this is where supportive listening and empathy is all you need to do. You can listen, respect, and send her love. But you can't fix what she is feeling. You take care of your health and that is a gift to your whole family.

2
D38c0cc994b194de08289e0fe3f99d1e

(421)

on January 21, 2011
at 12:50 AM

In addition to eating like a caveman, you need to start acting like one. (Put your pants back on my friend!!)

Sub-optimizing your health and gaining weight (or halting your weight loss) simply because she's having a baby is ridiculous!!

Aead76beb5fc7b762a6b4ddc234f6051

(15239)

on January 21, 2011
at 03:30 AM

im having a ahrd time swallowing the first line of this comment. if im reading this correctly, youre telling the OP to "man up" and ignore his wifes feelings and requests. i guess technically thats an answer to his question, but IMHO, i think its a terrible one that doesnt really address any of the issues that OP referred to. "simply" because she is having HIS baby? sorry. color me offended.

52dd4e2f233fffa5eb91e285896eb312

(80)

on January 22, 2011
at 07:13 PM

I think what Steve is saying, in his own inflammatory way, is that OP needs to stop letting himself get pushed around by his wife's "needs" taking priority over his own health. And again, it's not HIS baby, it's THEIR baby.

Ed983a42344945b1ff70fd9597a23493

on June 02, 2011
at 04:01 AM

I don't think he's saying to ignore his wife, but just to stand up for himself. Though, while this is, in my opinion, a fine way to talk to a man, one ought to approach a pregnant wife with a lot more tact and love!

2
149af6e19a06675614dfbb6838a7d7c0

on January 20, 2011
at 04:39 AM

"You did this to her so you deserve whatever you get"....always love that one. Joey, no matter what u do, you will step on landmines u didn't know where there. Remember, her hormones can be out of whack for 1 1/2 years after the baby comes...too. Get in shape soldier, help her as much as possible, compliment her whenever you have the opportunity and then make another opportunity...not another baby..."You did this..."

149af6e19a06675614dfbb6838a7d7c0

(3202)

on January 23, 2011
at 08:52 AM

Come Mitschu, it's one of the oldest jokes in the husband/wife routines. I even heard this statement from my wife when she was pregnant...but she's a stand up and I knew it was coming. We had a good laugh till I realized...do I really know that I did this to her? I got to stop thinking so much. Or, get a better class of friends.

52dd4e2f233fffa5eb91e285896eb312

(80)

on January 22, 2011
at 07:01 PM

No. No he didn't. He did NOT do anything by himself to her. They did this TOGETHER, and that's how they need to approach this.

1
04293f705870e1837b8670d3c1cd5f67

on January 22, 2011
at 07:26 PM

Just a reminder that breast feeding has high demands on the body. I lost ALL of my extra baby weight very fast by nursing.

In your case, you just need to keep telling her she is beautiful and looking great (no matter her size: temporary condition.)

And most of all you need to stay strong and fit to help serve your family better. She just wants extra sympathy (or encouragement) & that's okay.

0
Cf4576cbcc44fc7f2294135609bce9e5

on December 10, 2011
at 07:52 AM

are you crazy, the best thing you can do for that child she has in her belly is to get as fit as possible. and with any luck at all the child can be a paleo eater also.

0
E7be2ce38158357f5dacae07b43d1b29

on January 21, 2011
at 03:21 AM

I think there is some context missing in the original question. When I was in a relationship with someone I cared deeply about and he was eating terribly unhealthy, processed foods constantly, it upset me that he didn't care enough about his body to nurture it. The OP said she stated her reasons, but they weren't mentioned. Is she just upset about your looks, or wanting you to commit to a healthy lifestyle so you'll be around longer for the whole family?

I just lost a brother at 52 to heart failure because he refused to listen and refused to believe it could happen to him. Is it vanity or protection of family that is motivating her?

0
Dc6407193ba441d1438f6f0c06af872b

on January 20, 2011
at 05:15 AM

You should be able to win this argument, but if it's impossible, then eat paleo with more of an emphasis on yams and sweet potatoes and a bit, but not too much, fruit. That'll keep the weight a bit higher but your food quality and therefore your health will be good, which everybody wants, and when the time comes you can quickly switch back to get where you want to be. And need I say now would be an excellent time to lift heavy and eat enough to support your muscle gain? A different kind of "getting big".

Medium avatar

(2169)

on January 20, 2011
at 04:35 PM

I agree with Sherpamelissa, but @michael, I think your lifting heavy advice is a wonderful idea! I'm a woman who likes a pretty strong muscular man. Pregnant or not, I'm gonna react positively to my man getting more muscular. Maybe the poster's wife would too. It doesn't really have much to do with the argument, but still not a bad idea.

E35e3d76547b18096a59c90029e7e107

(15613)

on January 21, 2011
at 05:20 PM

I was going to suggest that this might be a good time for a 'bulking phase' too, namely do some heavy lifting and eat enough for muscle gain (without going wild, if weight loss is your ultimate concern).

7e746be2f0e550a8cd7df881322ae705

(18701)

on January 20, 2011
at 01:41 PM

Not to be flip, but there's really no "winning" an argument with a pregnant wife. Really there should be no winning or losing with any significant other, there should be a compromise and understanding of both positions.

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