2

votes

Little white lies?

Answered on September 12, 2014
Created June 17, 2012 at 8:12 PM

So, whenever I go out to eat with my parents it is really really hard to stay on track because my mother will push and push and push food. Even if I say i'm full, even if I say no thank you, even if I say I don't like the food or I am on a diet.

Most of the time the food she's pushing is something really yummy, like dessert, or something else that I am struggling to avoid (and moms seem to have special power).

So recently I discovered the "I'm allergic" line. Although its not true, Ive convinced her that I am gluten intolerant and if I eat ANY gluten at all I get deathly sick for hours afterwards. It has worked like a charm. No more arguing or fighting or ruining my diet.

Just wondering if anyone else does this, or what do you do in these situations?

5df8b2d60e5e5b95636289eed6e4320d

(260)

on July 15, 2012
at 03:32 AM

Chinaeskimo - What did she say when you asked her why she wants to feed you X?

Ae8946707ddebf0f0bfbcfc63276d823

(9402)

on July 03, 2012
at 01:40 AM

Here is another relevant thread: http://paleohacks.com/questions/107909/has-anyone-here-made-up-medical-conditions-to-be-more-socially-accepted-during

96440612cf0fcf366bf5ad8f776fca84

(19413)

on June 18, 2012
at 02:29 PM

I think it's the mentality of trying to please a guest/child/someone else in the sense that if you give them something, they'll think you're nice. It's of course self-serving, and can be unwanted, but if you've made it clear that you're not interested in certain things and they still push it on you, it becomes creepy -- like they want you to get sick.

96440612cf0fcf366bf5ad8f776fca84

(19413)

on June 18, 2012
at 02:15 PM

Push some liver, cod liver, beef tendons, pemmican, or a spoon of tallow, smoked clams, squid, kidney or anything else she might be squeamish about or allergic to until she gets the message. :)

5ccb98f6ae42ce87e206cf3f6a86039f

(11581)

on June 18, 2012
at 01:25 PM

Mike T Lies tend to get found out. This is going to be a pretty easy one to spot. Lying is not a good thing for relationships.

5ccb98f6ae42ce87e206cf3f6a86039f

(11581)

on June 18, 2012
at 01:23 PM

No, I haven't met her, but I do know that ultimately, as an adult, you are the one who makes the choices about what you choose to do.

5ccb98f6ae42ce87e206cf3f6a86039f

(11581)

on June 18, 2012
at 01:20 PM

It only works if you let it, which only happens when you decide that you are really ready. If you stay involved in your relationship game and keep saying it won't work, then it won't.

5e63e3fa78e998736106a4a5b9aef58c

on June 18, 2012
at 02:47 AM

@ Mike T: And I should add that no amount of polite requests to stop, or telling them how I felt, ever did any good. Appealing to reason always fails with unreasonable people, after all. And when I ask the questions, I honestly don't care if they give me an answer. So far, none of them have. But turning tables, so all the pressure is suddenly on them, makes them back away and stop pestering me. And that's all I'm really after. And since they're perfectly okay with my discomfort, so I'm not going to bother feeling guilt at theirs.

5e63e3fa78e998736106a4a5b9aef58c

on June 18, 2012
at 02:36 AM

@ MikeT: It's not about escalating the conflict or proving myself right: it's about standing up for myself and turning offensive behavior back on the offender. The same people who have always tried pushing unwanted food on me are, not coincidentally, people who try to exert power in other covert ways, disguised as caring and concern. It is unacceptable behavior, I want it to stop, and being polite and suffering in silence doesn't get results. This does. I don't even raise my voice; I just pose the questions and calmly persist in asking until they finally give up. And it works.

Ae8946707ddebf0f0bfbcfc63276d823

(9402)

on June 18, 2012
at 12:05 AM

...escalate the conflict. She doesn't feel the need to expose hidden motives or to win an argument. Good for her. I wish i was better at that with my own mother. Perhaps, we'd have a better relationship.

Ae8946707ddebf0f0bfbcfc63276d823

(9402)

on June 18, 2012
at 12:04 AM

My natural instinct is also to escalate the conflict. To prove i'm right and they're wrong. To feel a sense of victory/vindication. I rarely like to admit that these are my true goals when implementing the type of startegy outlined in this response, but "luckily" my wife is quite good at recognizing it and pointing it out to me. I don't like to hear it from her, but more and more, I'm realizing it's true. I am trying to slowly learn that escalating the conflict is not always the best strategy in all situations. It sounds like OP has come up with a strategy that works for her and doesn't...

61844af1187e745e09bb394cbd28cf23

(11058)

on June 17, 2012
at 09:52 PM

Yes! This is my philosophy. I gave up trying to explain anything and just stand firm. I made it through my brother-in-law's going away party without a single cupcake going down my throat. I even helped decorate them! I did get looks when they were eating tortillas, beans, pasta salads, chips, and dips and I sat down with the rib eye I brought to eat. It was priceless.

Ae8946707ddebf0f0bfbcfc63276d823

(9402)

on June 17, 2012
at 09:18 PM

I think she did find a way, and it seems to be working. I'm not sure why everyone here seems to be so against it.

35b2cb4d450e5288895c255dfdfff35d

(5828)

on June 17, 2012
at 09:05 PM

I get it, your mom is really difficult to be around with food. For your own sanity can you find a way to stop playing victim to her? Comments like "you have never met my mom" reinforce the idea that you're helpless around her. Food for thought.

03a4ec34751186201a56da298ac843ce

(4100)

on June 17, 2012
at 08:55 PM

Yeah been there, done that. For some reason it never worked :-/

03a4ec34751186201a56da298ac843ce

(4100)

on June 17, 2012
at 08:54 PM

Lol, you have never met my mom!

03a4ec34751186201a56da298ac843ce

(4100)

on June 17, 2012
at 08:48 PM

Thanks for the link.

03a4ec34751186201a56da298ac843ce

(4100)

on June 17, 2012
at 08:46 PM

I will take harsh as long as it's honest any day. I would rather be saved by criticism than ruined by praise.

1edb06ded9ccf098a4517ca4a7a34ebc

(14952)

on June 17, 2012
at 08:38 PM

Sorry if that was harsh, but I just don't think it's justifiable.

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7 Answers

11
5e63e3fa78e998736106a4a5b9aef58c

on June 17, 2012
at 09:38 PM

I have family members who do the same thing.

Asking them, "Why is it so important to you that I eat this food, when I don't want it? Why do you need me to eat this so badly?" puts them in the hot seat. Rather than wasting time trying to fend them off when it's obvious they aren't listening, I turn the tables on them and push for an answer.

And yes, questioning them has upset a few people. But I look at it this way: they think nothing of ignoring and trying to override my clear "No." What I want is clearly not important, here--it's all about them. I've told them I don't want more food, or a certain kind of food, and to keep pushing is rude and disrespectful.

Because really--why would anyone try to push anyone else to eat something they don't want? It's not about love or hospitality at that point; it's about dominance and control. And by asking them why they're pushing food on me when I clearly don't want it, I'm bringing their true motives into question.

I don't defend my food choices, or my lack of desire for whatever food is being pushed at me. I'm not the one who is in the wrong, here, after all. So I just keep pushing it back on the person who is wrong, who won't take my "No" for an answer, and who is so determined to get their way at my expense.

Ae8946707ddebf0f0bfbcfc63276d823

(9402)

on June 18, 2012
at 12:05 AM

...escalate the conflict. She doesn't feel the need to expose hidden motives or to win an argument. Good for her. I wish i was better at that with my own mother. Perhaps, we'd have a better relationship.

5e63e3fa78e998736106a4a5b9aef58c

on June 18, 2012
at 02:36 AM

@ MikeT: It's not about escalating the conflict or proving myself right: it's about standing up for myself and turning offensive behavior back on the offender. The same people who have always tried pushing unwanted food on me are, not coincidentally, people who try to exert power in other covert ways, disguised as caring and concern. It is unacceptable behavior, I want it to stop, and being polite and suffering in silence doesn't get results. This does. I don't even raise my voice; I just pose the questions and calmly persist in asking until they finally give up. And it works.

5e63e3fa78e998736106a4a5b9aef58c

on June 18, 2012
at 02:47 AM

@ Mike T: And I should add that no amount of polite requests to stop, or telling them how I felt, ever did any good. Appealing to reason always fails with unreasonable people, after all. And when I ask the questions, I honestly don't care if they give me an answer. So far, none of them have. But turning tables, so all the pressure is suddenly on them, makes them back away and stop pestering me. And that's all I'm really after. And since they're perfectly okay with my discomfort, so I'm not going to bother feeling guilt at theirs.

61844af1187e745e09bb394cbd28cf23

(11058)

on June 17, 2012
at 09:52 PM

Yes! This is my philosophy. I gave up trying to explain anything and just stand firm. I made it through my brother-in-law's going away party without a single cupcake going down my throat. I even helped decorate them! I did get looks when they were eating tortillas, beans, pasta salads, chips, and dips and I sat down with the rib eye I brought to eat. It was priceless.

Ae8946707ddebf0f0bfbcfc63276d823

(9402)

on June 18, 2012
at 12:04 AM

My natural instinct is also to escalate the conflict. To prove i'm right and they're wrong. To feel a sense of victory/vindication. I rarely like to admit that these are my true goals when implementing the type of startegy outlined in this response, but "luckily" my wife is quite good at recognizing it and pointing it out to me. I don't like to hear it from her, but more and more, I'm realizing it's true. I am trying to slowly learn that escalating the conflict is not always the best strategy in all situations. It sounds like OP has come up with a strategy that works for her and doesn't...

96440612cf0fcf366bf5ad8f776fca84

(19413)

on June 18, 2012
at 02:29 PM

I think it's the mentality of trying to please a guest/child/someone else in the sense that if you give them something, they'll think you're nice. It's of course self-serving, and can be unwanted, but if you've made it clear that you're not interested in certain things and they still push it on you, it becomes creepy -- like they want you to get sick.

2
5ccb98f6ae42ce87e206cf3f6a86039f

(11581)

on June 17, 2012
at 08:50 PM

IMO being honest works out better in the end. Try this, one step at a time as needed:

"No thank you."

"I've made the decision to no longer eat foods that are not healthy for me."

"I'd appreciate it if you would stop pressuring me to eat foods that I know will harm my health."

"I've asked you repeatedly to stop trying to push me to eat foods I've chosen not to eat. I feel hurt that you are not respecting my choices."

"I love spending time with you Mom, but in the future we're going to have to get together without food."

5ccb98f6ae42ce87e206cf3f6a86039f

(11581)

on June 18, 2012
at 01:23 PM

No, I haven't met her, but I do know that ultimately, as an adult, you are the one who makes the choices about what you choose to do.

Ae8946707ddebf0f0bfbcfc63276d823

(9402)

on June 17, 2012
at 09:18 PM

I think she did find a way, and it seems to be working. I'm not sure why everyone here seems to be so against it.

5ccb98f6ae42ce87e206cf3f6a86039f

(11581)

on June 18, 2012
at 01:25 PM

Mike T Lies tend to get found out. This is going to be a pretty easy one to spot. Lying is not a good thing for relationships.

35b2cb4d450e5288895c255dfdfff35d

(5828)

on June 17, 2012
at 09:05 PM

I get it, your mom is really difficult to be around with food. For your own sanity can you find a way to stop playing victim to her? Comments like "you have never met my mom" reinforce the idea that you're helpless around her. Food for thought.

03a4ec34751186201a56da298ac843ce

(4100)

on June 17, 2012
at 08:54 PM

Lol, you have never met my mom!

1
264b5c21793329052ac3d84da8c41abd

on June 18, 2012
at 12:00 AM

I'm pretty adamant that no means no in these situations - I would be incredibly insulted if a relative tried to coerce me into doing things with my own body that go against the choices I've made. I'd have a serious conversation about boundaries and respecting your autonomy - personally, I feel like pressuring me to eat sugar is the exact same situation as pressuring an alcoholic to have just one drink - not cool.

1
76026e8ef496039d5075440ff731aa0d

on June 17, 2012
at 10:21 PM

"What do you do in these situations????

Id white lie it also???I mean come on???how soon we forget???Ill get down voted for this, but it needs to be said???

Santa Claus???THATs right mom???thought Id forgotten didn`t you, well, think again!

???you lied about Santa and I???m lying about baked goods and pastas???hurts doesn???t it???.well it hurts me too come Dec 24th at about midnight when I fall asleep in my clothes doing a crossword...beside me???some cookies and milk that I promised to some obese man that every year Im helping to kill???Im a monster mom..and you`re my Dr. Frankenstein???

???I`m sorry???

Im a product of the 80s???whatever is wrong with me is hard to pronounce and my only means of therapy are message boards???.only???only 12 more steps to go???

Truth.

1
5df8b2d60e5e5b95636289eed6e4320d

on June 17, 2012
at 08:50 PM

I definitely feel your pain . . . those situations are difficult - especially with Mom. But, lying is not going to help. Do you want your Mom to know the real you, or the fake you that the lie creates?

The lie is the easy way out. Try this -- "No." Just say "no" and nothing more, no excuses, reasons, lies, etc. Just say "no".

If she is really insistent simply ask her why she wants you to eat whatever food it is - my guess is that her mothering instinct is just out of control - and she is trying to be a good Mom by doing what she has done for the first 18 years of your life - feeding you. If that is the case, then an honest discussion about how she can really nurture you is in order . . . and perhaps a conversation about how the foods she is pushing on you are ACTUALLY KILLING you (that might be a little dramatic - maybe just damaging you).

Remember that this is likely just a case of her mothering instinct running wild - don't kill the instinct - just refocus it on something that matters!

Good Luck!

03a4ec34751186201a56da298ac843ce

(4100)

on June 17, 2012
at 08:55 PM

Yeah been there, done that. For some reason it never worked :-/

5ccb98f6ae42ce87e206cf3f6a86039f

(11581)

on June 18, 2012
at 01:20 PM

It only works if you let it, which only happens when you decide that you are really ready. If you stay involved in your relationship game and keep saying it won't work, then it won't.

5df8b2d60e5e5b95636289eed6e4320d

(260)

on July 15, 2012
at 03:32 AM

Chinaeskimo - What did she say when you asked her why she wants to feed you X?

1
Ae8946707ddebf0f0bfbcfc63276d823

(9402)

on June 17, 2012
at 08:46 PM

I think it's perfectly fine. It's hard enough to avoid all these engineered foods that we're constantly surrounded by without someone else (especially a loved one) pushing them on us all the time. If this strategy helps you to stay the course, go for it. I don't think it's hurting anyone.

Others have similar strategies which are discussed here:

http://paleohacks.com/questions/115102/the-first-rule-of-paleo-is-you-do-not-talk-about-paleo

Here is another one that may be helpful:

http://paleohacks.com/questions/107909/has-anyone-here-made-up-medical-conditions-to-be-more-socially-accepted-during

03a4ec34751186201a56da298ac843ce

(4100)

on June 17, 2012
at 08:48 PM

Thanks for the link.

0
1edb06ded9ccf098a4517ca4a7a34ebc

on June 17, 2012
at 08:31 PM

Yeah when I was anorexic I was gluten intolerant, lactose intolerant, had IBS, and if someone asked why I was so thin, I also had CF. I"m not anorexic anymore so I don't go around making up stories to avoid food. Paleo is a lifestyle, not an eating disorder.

Not that telling white lies aren't okay, they're fine in my book. But I don't really think lying about having an illness which cause a significant burden to some people is the right way to go to just to avoid food x.

03a4ec34751186201a56da298ac843ce

(4100)

on June 17, 2012
at 08:46 PM

I will take harsh as long as it's honest any day. I would rather be saved by criticism than ruined by praise.

1edb06ded9ccf098a4517ca4a7a34ebc

(14952)

on June 17, 2012
at 08:38 PM

Sorry if that was harsh, but I just don't think it's justifiable.

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