31

votes

Paleo 4.0: These helminths are NOT protecting me from ebola. What now?

Answered on August 19, 2014
Created April 01, 2012 at 4:02 PM

So I've been experimenting with this new "Paleo 4.0" idea. For those of you not in the know, it involves complete optimization of every cell in your body, vis-a-vis pathways formed when we were still just hot, acidic primordial soup.

Anyways, I'm totally stumped now! My symptoms are getting worse, so I decided to bump up the protocol. The protocol involves the best of all worlds. Lots of safe starches, lots of ice baths, 40 bananas an afternoon, nipple massages from my local sherpa, etc.

Presuming that this protocol would save me from sure death while self-experimenting on the operating table, I injected myself with some ebola I found laying around and prepared for my Flatliners moment. To really up the ante, I injected some more ebola right into some hookworms, and fed them through my bellybutton. Weird thing--I'm actually not feeling very well right now :(


Please excuse the dumb post. Instead, just read these very good offerings by clever paleo writers. Enjoy!

Paul Jaminet- Theory of the Stork: New Evidence
Stephan Guyenet- The Eocone Diet
Richard Feinman- Nutritional Chromodynamics

8508fec4bae4a580d1e1b807058fee8e

(6259)

on April 02, 2012
at 01:07 AM

Did you forget that Paleo 4.0 was the beta version - that means there are some bugs that need to be fixed ... (No pun intended - or maybe not ...)

8508fec4bae4a580d1e1b807058fee8e

(6259)

on April 02, 2012
at 01:05 AM

Too funny - you'd be surprised what you find on Amazon these days ...

21fd060d0796fdb8a4a990441e08eae7

(24543)

on April 02, 2012
at 12:59 AM

Nighcrawler enema? Can you order those on Amazon?

87f26cf235a0e2420e28779113b0257b

on April 01, 2012
at 11:26 PM

Some idiot thinks this is real and is already halfway through his meal of dirt from the highway median and a nightcrawler enema. I hope you are comfortable with this fact.

742ff8ba4ff55e84593ede14ac1c3cab

(3536)

on April 01, 2012
at 10:05 PM

How much does the nipple massage cost? Do you think it's worth it?

Medium avatar

(2923)

on April 01, 2012
at 09:50 PM

Nom Nom Paleo - Chinese "Virgin Boy Eggs" - http://nomnompaleo.com/post/20282441042/tong-zi-dan

21fd060d0796fdb8a4a990441e08eae7

(24543)

on April 01, 2012
at 09:33 PM

Good point. But make sure to only use earthing for depression, NOT for mania. (unless you have a large enough skeletal muscle intake...changing your DNA with a thought requires a lot of creatine)

96bf58d8c6bd492dc5b8ae46203fe247

(37227)

on April 01, 2012
at 07:13 PM

Uh-huh, (head nodding up and down) I heard soil contains natural fungi that will kill both the hookworms and ebola. BUT the soil must come from a CAFO feedlot.

C0fcb48d7da4f76fac17318efd2cd6b8

(4069)

on April 01, 2012
at 05:46 PM

hahahahahahaha!

66e6b190e62fb3bcf42d4c60801c7bf6

(12407)

on April 01, 2012
at 04:33 PM

hah. i have some parasites to lend you, sir...

96bf58d8c6bd492dc5b8ae46203fe247

(37227)

on April 01, 2012
at 04:17 PM

Might as well read my personal confession too: http://ancestralcrone.blogspot.com/2012/03/time-to-confess.html

Bf57bcbdc19d4f1728599053acd020ab

(5043)

on April 01, 2012
at 04:12 PM

Happy April fool's to you, too.

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4 Answers

12
89a3eb9e05b04102f0a584e438a7da3e

(1136)

on April 01, 2012
at 07:05 PM

I heard "Earthing" is good for that.

96bf58d8c6bd492dc5b8ae46203fe247

(37227)

on April 01, 2012
at 07:13 PM

Uh-huh, (head nodding up and down) I heard soil contains natural fungi that will kill both the hookworms and ebola. BUT the soil must come from a CAFO feedlot.

21fd060d0796fdb8a4a990441e08eae7

(24543)

on April 01, 2012
at 09:33 PM

Good point. But make sure to only use earthing for depression, NOT for mania. (unless you have a large enough skeletal muscle intake...changing your DNA with a thought requires a lot of creatine)

12
Medium avatar

(2923)

on April 01, 2012
at 06:43 PM

Never trust a ".0" release, always wait for the first update!

This is a known issue, "Paleo 4.0" broke the updating protocol. There's an incoming hot-patch, but you're going to have to inject it yourself, it won't auto-update. They really should've marked this as a beta release, the trial participants kept telling the researchers it wasn't release-ready.

9
284213562569be43dfda0ad40914da6f

on April 01, 2012
at 08:50 PM

I think you need a "Factor X" Enema, followed by Northern Lights therapy in a meat locker, to discover the entrance to your Ancient Assway.

1
3995458c8ba769c7e95d07a2e438d875

on April 02, 2012
at 06:08 AM

Attention all you old school Paleo 1.0, 2.0, and 3.0'ers, in case you haven't heard BAREFOOT IS DEAD!! You'll only see me in these now: paleo-4.0:-these-helminths-are-not-protecting-me-from-ebola.-what-now?

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